Life, Crap, Etc.

I’ve never really had many friends. I actually don’t believe in “friends”. I’m not into small-talk, or making friends just for the heck of it. I can’t wrap my head around when someone will say “oh, I have a friend who..” .. and I’m thinking “how come I don’t have friends”? I don’t really believe in the concept of friendship. To me, a good friend is someone who is like family. And, then, of course you have your family (like ‘em or not) .. and the rest are just random acquaintances. I definetely believe people, wether friendship or a slightly more meaningful relationship, are brought together by circumstance. It can be for a day, a week, a month or a lifetime. We come into each other lives to learn something and then move on. As far as love and relationships go, they’re great .. but nothing lasts forever.

A very dear friend of mine has been recently going through the process of losing his mother. Interestingly, I went through the same exact situation last year. I know very well of the gut-wrenching pain, the things you’ve always wanted to say, the “no, this can’t be it” that he must be feeling. Yet, I can’t bring myself to say _anything_ to him. There’s something to be said about that theory of pain someone wrote or talked about. I don’t remember exactly, I just remember over-hearing it from a friend. It’s something to the effect of .. we are INCAPABLE of feeling anyone elses’ pain .. so whatever you see on tv, you can’t feel for the people .. you can’t feel for your loved ones .. you simply relive what you’ve been through .. no matter how small or big. So, in theory, when you’re watching tv and hearing about the U.S. financial crisis and people losing their 401k’s .. are you really feeling for those people? .. or are you, on some level, reliving that bully situation in grade school .. the one who used to steal your lunch? I know I am definitely reliving my mom’s loss and the last days of her life, while helping my friend cope with his situation. All moms are great. But your mom will always be the greatest. It’s the only unconditional love you’ll know.

Such is life, I suppose. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out. Bam! A reminder to let you know you aren’t the most important thing and that there’s a bigger purpose to life. (of course, I haven’t figured that one out .. input welcome!)

My friend is very well aware of the incredibly difficult time I went through when I lost my mom and how long it took me to come to terms with it. He was a huge support, through the whole process. I guess it’s now time for me to pay back the favor. I only wish it had been under better circumstances.

I have recently realized, with a fairly over-whelming force, that I have some pretty huge (ok, MASSIVE!) deficits for a functioning adult.

I am totally irresponsible (even though I’d like to pretend otherwise), injury prone and most forgetful. Now that I’ve had to live without mom (quite literally, my guardian angel) constantly looking out for me and reminding me of things, these deficits have become more obvious. I seriously have no concept, whatsoever, of time. I don’t know if it’s the meds, I don’t know if I’m just plain lazy .. but never ask me which day of the week it is.

In the year that I’ve been on my own, I’ve attempted suicide, cut myself, bruised myself, lost my wallet (twice!), lost my car keys and missed deadlines (countless times).

While I’ve always enjoyed my independence and felt like I’m the independent type, I’m SO not! Mom was my little fairy, who followed me around picking up my mess, making sure I didn’t kill myself. Without her, while I’m trying to learn .. I’m just such a mess. (ok, go ahead and call me a spoiled little mama’s boy .. maybe I am one!) But the fact remains .. I can’t remember to have my meds and meals on time. My bills are always paid way ahead of the due date. And I haven’t sat down and worked more than two hours at a stretch for over a year now.

But, you know what I’ve realized. It’s OK! No one’s perfect. I don’t have to figure it all out immediately. I’m allowed to take my time. After all, this has been a huge life-altering change in my life. People fall, get up again .. and life goes on!

Dear Mom,

It seems a little weird writing to you, given the fact that you’re dead and all. (and, yes, I’ve been having my Cipram regularly!)

I can’t believe it’s been a year since you’ve been gone. It seems like just yesterday, me making you cottage cheese sandwiches.. you complaining that your soup wasn’t warm enough.

You always told me life is difficult. I don’t think I ever quite realized just how difficult till I lost you. And, my GOD, has it been difficult! The last year’s probably been the worst time of my life. But you know what Mom, I’ve made it!

I have changed forever and for the better. Al the things you used to tell me, finally make sense. The ongoing pain in the pit of my stomach is something I battle with on a daily basis. I miss you, Mom. I miss you like anything. And while I know you’re gone and that this is it, this is a natural part of life .. there’s a part of me that wishes this was some cruel nightmare that I’m just going to magically wake up. The look on your face, the strength that made you who you were, from when you were being wheeled into the OR for the last time (and, really, the last time I saw you conscious) is forever burnt in my soul. You were never ever afraid and I so proudly tell everyone that.

Looking back at your life, I don’t know how you handled it all. And that, too, with a smile and such dignity. How you took over as mom and dad, after dad passed away. How you planned our finances and investments. My various medical issues couldn’t have helped and must’ve been so incredibly difficult for you. But not once did you show any form of frustration or sadness. You knew you had to hold it together for Maryam and me.

What I thought was safe, secure and known when you were here a year a go, is not anymore. And I’m scared, Mom. I am struggling with the various decisions I’m faced with. But I will never give up. Just like you never did. I’m going to make you so proud of me.

I love you .. and always will!

Bilal

“I could never see tomorrow .. but I was never told about the sorrow”

http://lifecrapetc.com/wp-content/videos/thefray-youfoundme.flv

Guest Post – by Zuleika Sethi

She was a woman of substance…one who had endured and persevered, in the face of adversity and tragedy, and managed to keep her dignity and
her sanity. She had accepted whatever fate had dealt her, with courage, determination and optimism…that is how I remember Bilal’s mother, Afifa Mushtaq.

She loved her son more than she loved anyone or anything in the world….and since I was the best friend, I was treated with the same love and affection, that a protective parent showers on a child. I remember one last long conversation I had with her…where I recounted an awful recurring nightmare to her. That day as I burdened her with my worst fears and my insecurities, she listened calmly, waiting for my ranting to finish. And then she told me firmly that Nothing would happen…that she knew that Nothing would happen. That was all the reassurance I needed. She had that power, and she had alot of love to give!

The last few days of her life coincided with my trip to Lahore. We never had a chance to discuss the hundreds of things I had wanted to talk to her about. She had a quiet calm about her. She knew her time had come. She was at peace and she was ready to move on……and she did so on July 19th with the dignity that had marked her life.

- Zuleika

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!”

Mary Frye (1932)

TimTam: “do you .. do you know………”
Iman: “tamoor.. mamo doesn’t want to answer your stupid questions.. just keep walking!”
Bilal: “sighh .. how much longer do we have to walk to get some lousy Diet Coke?!”
Iman: “yeah, we should’ve driven”
Bilal: “yeah and parked where? .. in front of the house?!?”
TimTam: “I bet you don’t know what’s the BIGGEST mall in the world?”
Iman: “oh, who cares”
Bilal: “yawwn .. umm .. the Mall of America?”
TimTam: “nooooo”
Bilal: “the Dubai Mall!”
TimTam: “noooo”
Bilal: “ukkh .. ok, I give up!”
TimTam: “The China Mall”
Bilal: “the WHAT?”
TimTam: “yeah .. The China Mall”
Bilal: “well, where the hell is THAT?”
TimTam: “CHIIINNNNAAA!”
Bilal & Iman: “oooooh!”
Bilal: “hey .. is that a COKE sign across the road?”